It's hard to believe that's it's been just a week since I last wrote in my blog. So many things have happened, and not happened, and should have happened, and it has started to make me wonder: can I really do this?
As I write this, I'm somewhere on 70 W heading to Brownsburg, IN for our first weekend out as HeartSong. I'm supposed to be excited; after all, I love this, right? But I started this van ride feeling very reluctant to get in and leave behind so many things that needed to be done. I'm behind in 2 of my classes, and by the time this retreat is over I'll be behind in 3. I think I'm in over my head in some ways. I started thinking this way last weekend, "Pre-Retreat Weekend," when we spent 8 hours rehearsing and 12 hours shopping. For the rest of the week I continued to fall behind in schoolwork (although I did practice enough piano!) and I lost more and more sleep. I kept trying to come up with a plan, but I failed to follow through every time. [Thank You God for grace.]
Then I began to discover that I was missing out on stuff because of HeartSong. I missed women's open dorms, the first ALT night, and the honors mini-retreat at Dr. Mills'; I'm also missing the Maddox Olympics, the aural skills dinner at Dr. Jaquith's, and I might have to miss my little sister's high school graduation because of summer tour. Ever since the beginning of this experience, HeartSong had constantly been changing my plans.
Before taking a rest stop and eating dinner, I spent most of the van ride staring out the window at the clouds and watching the way they changed. The thing that first caught my eye was the small bit of blue sky surrounded by a large blanket of gray clouds. I thought: that's how I feel right now; I knew that after this weekend of blue skies, it would be back to that ever-thickening gray. The farther we went, the more blue began to show until a beautiful sky of white clouds with shiny silver linings was all I could see, and I had forgotten about the gray skies. I'm still not sure if my mind has changed with the clouds. Can I go back and only remember the blue, forgetting the gray?
This is the part of the blog post where I'm supposed to talk about how God miraculously changed my heart and I'm all better now. But in all honesty, I'm still trying to figure this out. And that's okay for now. Part of the sancification process is not having all the answers and feeling uneasy sometimes. I know that someday all these feelings of doubt and worry will pass away, and until then I rest in the Holy Spirit who lives in me, in Jesus Christ who died for me, and God my Father who holds me in His hands, even when I'm not sure if He's there.